Yoga vs. Singing…. the Yin and Yang of my Life November 9, 2011

It has now been 2 months since I have re-entered the “real” world and left my happy, little yoga teacher-training bubble. It is amazing how the time flies, how new doors have opened, and how some pesky old habits have clawed their way back into my life as I diligently fight back with all of my might.  As my singing career begins to amp up again with auditions and competitions looming over the horizon, I find myself over-thinking, over-scheduling, and putting too much focus into creating the ever-illusive perfect performance. Worry begins to knock at my door and he brings his friends Fear, Anxiety, and Stress. I tell him to go away, but he forcibly breaks down the door and takes over. What’s a girl to do when this gang takes over your house?

You build a new house and let them keep the old one.

So, tonight I have decided to build myself that new house. A new way of thinking and approaching singing (picture the clouds parting as the rays of sunshine stream down and the Halleluiah Chorus plays in the background). What is is about yoga which puts me so at ease? What is it about singing which has, in the past, turned my body into a knot of tension and my mind into a jumble of self-loathing, fear, and doubt? How can I meld these two worlds to create a sort of “Zen and the Art of Singing”?

Yoga is the freedom to be who you truly are without any judgement or criticism. You fall out of a pose, you get back up and try again. You can’t do something, you take a variation of the posture. You laugh at your mistakes and move on.

Technically, all of these things can and should be applied to being a singer. But, often times, they are not. I should have the freedom to be the singer that I am right now, at this moment, without any judgement or criticism. But, on a daily basis we are being judged by anyone who hears us…. be it for the better or worse. We are judged by our teachers, by auditors, by audience members, by the maintenance staff, by people who hear about the performance 2nd hand, and worst yet, ourselves. If you constantly feed off of this cycle of praise and rejection, your life will be an exhausting roller coaster of ups and downs. It’s enough to make you want to get off the coaster and take a nice kiddy-ride, 9-5 desk job. But, if we can learn to sing, or do anything for that matter, as a meditative practice purely as a way to feed our souls, we will find that the criticism simply does not matter anymore. If they love us, great. If they don’t love us, well, then that’s great too. Just like falling out of a yoga pose, when you forget a word or make a pitch mistake, it is not the end of the world. This is not a matter of life and death. You simply pick up where you left off and move on. I used to be utterly devastated when I would forget a word. I became so consumed with fear of a memorization slip that I would race through my words in a blind panic before each concert. Then, of course, in my fluster I would forget a word which would make me even more panicked. Then my focus was gone, tension crept in, and the performance was never my best. Why anticipate future discomfort? Why worry about things which might not even come true? Things happen. We all have those days. You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. Laughing at your mistakes is something that I really need to pull from my yoga practice into my singing career. We all make mistakes. If we didn’t, how boring would our lives be? The other day in my private practice, I literally fell onto my face in bakasana, crow pose, a arm-balance posture which requires all of your weight to be balanced on your two hands. After falling to the floor, I simply burst out laughing at my face-plant. Conversely, in my singing life, I have never laughed at my mistakes. Usually I berate myself within an inch of my life, then head straight for the practice room to practice until I can do it right at least a thousand times consecutively. Now, really, in the grand scheme of things, which mistake is more life or death here? I would have to say the one where all of my body weight is being sustained by your wrists and your head is dangling dangerously close to the floor. You can break your wrists, break your nose, tweak your elbow, and hurt your shoulder in bakasana if done incorrectly. If I forget my words during a song, it is highly unlikely that a part of my body will be broken, hurt, or harmed. Perspective. It’s a beautiful thing.

So, my new house is built. I just have to remember to pick up some change of address labels the next time I am at the post office because I don’t want to have to bother Worry, Fear, Anxiety, or Stress for my mail.

 

Happiness is a Choice October 3, 2011

Everyday we make the choice to smile, to frown, to let little annoyances pass us by, or allow them to ruin our lives. Happiness is a choice that we must keep choosing. It is a right that we have to keep fighting for. How many times do we allow ourselves to be caught up in the drama of getting cut-off on the freeway or being glared at by a complete stranger? How many times do we go into a vicious downward spiral simply because of singing a wrong note, forgetting a word, or not winning an audition? Should this one simple event have such a cataclysmic effect on how we perceive life, how we treat others, and how me treat ourselves? Are these little annoyances really that important? What would happen if we just let life happen and be glad to be alive to have these annoyances? Happiness is a choice; so, choose wisely.

Living someone else’s life: a week later September 4, 2011

A week ago today I had my yoga certification in hand, coming off the last of 3 planes after a whirl-wind adventure of returning during a hurricane. In some ways it seems like only yesterday, and yet it feels like a different world and a different life. I definitely envy my fellow teacher trainers who were starting completely new lives post-teacher-training, in new locations with no set habits, friends, goals, or memories. Reintegration into your old life is a difficult process to say the least: especially when you are currently living in the town where you grew up. There is so much history there: so many memories, so many connections to my old thought processes, habits, and perceived ideas of what is important. This week has been a continual process of seeing old habits, patterns, and thoughts arise and then letting them go. On second though, perhaps those who are getting the chance to start fresh should envy me, for I am being thrown into the deep end with all of the tools to conquer deep-set mental blocks from as far back as my birth. It has been strange how little things are now jogging my memory: a tree in my old elementary school where I used to escape into a good book, a garden where my aunt used to make snapdragon flowers sing, a high school football game reminding me of cheering in the stands dressed in school colors. Where I once used to see the negative in each of these memories, I now only see the joy. As old negative thought patterns arise, I have learned to acknowledge their presence, then let them go. This week, as my mind began racing, worrying about money and how I would pay the bills next month, I literally screamed aloud “ENOUGH!” You know what? It worked. My brain actually stopped worrying- at least for a short while. Believe me, I’m as shocked as you. Another time the panic flared up as I began to think about my singing career for the first time after a 2 month hiatus. Instead of letting it get the best of me, I decided to do a 3 minute headstand. It worked so well, that I did that throughout the day whenever I felt myself slipping from my inner-calm. It’s amazing what changing your perspective (quite literally as you are turning your point of view upside down) can do.
Likewise, my concentration and communication skills have improved exponentially after this month leading a pure yogic life. While teaching voice lessons, I find that I am now completely there with my students: focused solely on their needs and improvement. I am in the moment, and that is a beautiful place to be. Today I visited an old friend who I have known since 6th grade. As she and her family asked me about my yogic experience, I had no idea what to say. How do you put into words everything that has changed, been let go of, or grown out of the ashes of my former being? Suddenly my mouth was talking without my mind even knowing it as I explained specific fears, conflicts, and stumbling blocks which are simply not there anymore. The amazing thing was that I didn’t even realize that those things were gone. Only here, in the moment, did I make that known to myself and to my friends. Life has changed for me. It is as if I am walking in someone else’s shoes and living someone else’s life; yet, the life is my own, the past experiences are my own, the goals and dreams are my own. I am just looking at them in a completely new light. I now fully own my life, my mind, my body, my soul, and my voice. Time will only tell where this new revelation will take me; but I am now fully prepared for the journey.

Your new life starts here.

Learning to sing August 27, 2011

Yesterday was my last day of the amazing adventure that was yoga teacher training. When I applied all those weeks ago, I had no idea how drastically my body, mind, and life would change. I came here to find my new life path: would I be singing in the future? My contribution on our altar of learning was a treble clef necklace which was given to me in high school when I was utterly obsessed with music. I used to wear it everyday, but as music slowly became a source of stress and anxiety in my life, I took the necklace off and haven’t really worn it for a few years now. At the time, I thought nothing of it, but now I see the subtle symbolism in this small necklace. Leaving this on the altar reflected my yearn to find bliss in my voice again.
A few weeks ago during the teacher training, we all sang “Amazing Grace” and singing this for the love of singing rekindled my love affair with music. (See http://marissabloom.wordpress.com/2011/08/09/if-you-love-something-you-have-to-set-it-free/ for a full account of this experience.) I remembered what singing just for the joy of singing felt like. Yesterday this realization came full-circle at our closing ceremony talent show. The yogis wouldn’t let me leave without singing, so I signed up to sing my favorite aria, Gershwin’s Summertime, and Amazing Grace since this is now the song which I will return to as a reminder of these experiences. Ironically, 20 minutes before the talent show, I was also recruited to sightread an Indian chant with a lovely professional flutist, and to swing dance. People were lovingly referring to it as the “Marissa show.” Always the renaissance woman, I happily agreed. Without a warm-up, dressed in yoga clothes and barefoot, I stepped up to the “stage” to sing. For the first time in my life, I truly performed simply for the love of it. No thoughts were racing through my head. No worries about forgetting the words were plaguing me, no tensions, no furrowed brow. I just sang. I became simply the portal for the music to flow through. It was the most blissful experience of my life. I found my voice. At the end of Amazing Grace, I was inspired to begin an OM, the sanskrit sound of creation and life. To my surprise, my beautiful yogi friends joined me in one loud resounding OM, sealing the performance as tears trickled down my face.
Before singing Amazing Grace, I shared with my new friends my separation from singing for the past 2 months and the revelation that singing really is what I want to do with my life. The next day, a few of the students took me aside separately and made me promise to keep singing. Then, the beautiful Jen, our fearless leader, hugged me and told me that I put the energy and intention to keep singing out into the universe from such a vulnerable state and in such a powerful space that it would be so. I would be a singer. As she said this, I realized that I didn’t need her confirmation; I already knew it to be true. From now on, my musical life will be different. It has to be. It already is. Jai ma.

Trust August 27, 2011

At this minute, I am sitting on a plane bound for home. I really want to ask the man sitting next to me to pinch my arm to see if I am dreaming. I can’t believe how quickly this month past: the best month of my life. Come to think of it, I can’t believe that I am even on a plane at all in the midst of Hurricane Irene. Last night I received an email stating that my booked flight on Sunday at 6am was canceled. In fact, the whole airport will be shut down tomorrow. This message came to me in the midst of our graduation night celebration. I had already been planning on spending Saturday night in the airport, but this email meant that I might be spending a few stormy days in one of the country’s smaller airports. Normally, my brain would be working a mile a minute panicking, trying to think up a game plan, and worrying away. But, instead, whenever that little urge came up, I reminded myself that whatever is meant to happen will happen. No amount of worrying will change that. Then an amazing thing happened; I suddenly gave up the obsessive-compulsive control over my life and I had the most amazing time with my fellow yogis, despite the fact that I didn’t know where I would be sleeping the next night. It was liberating to let go of that need to control the uncontrollable. There was really nothing I could do about it, so why let it ruin my last night in the “yoga bubble”? I just trusted that I would get home eventually, when I needed to. This morning, after a heartwarming practice, graduation, and goodbye session, I piled myself into the carpool headed for the airport, ready for anything. As I stepped up to the counter to discuss my options, the booking agent immediately rerouted me on a plane leaving in 30 minutes, allowing me to arrive home late Saturday night and spend no time whatsoever in the airport. Trust is a powerful medicine. When you put the intention out there and whole-heartedly believe in it, you shall receive exactly what you need. I am completely humbled by this experience and I have learned my lesson well. -Namaste

Sweet Surrender August 23, 2011

What would happen if we all stopped fighting with fate? Have you ever fought and fought for something, finding obstacle followed by obstacle in the constant struggle to obtain some phantom goal? Yet, when you shift your focus, gain deeper awareness, and simply take the opportunities and things that come your way, the struggle decreases, ease emerges, and you find your true path.
To tell you the truth, I never wanted to be a yoga instructor growing up. A over-weight, under-exercised kid, I usually wanted nothing to do with anything requiring physical activity. My only beloved exercise was tap class…. and that is only because I was allowed to make loud noises: literally making music with my toes. Until I was a sophomore at USC, I had no idea what yoga was. Actually, growing up, my dream was to be a musical theatre star on broadway: to play the role of Belle in Beauty and the Beast. That sort of fell through in college when my teachers decided my voice was much more classical in nature. So, opera was brought into my path. (As with yoga, the only knowledge I had of opera during childhood came from the looney toons and the SF Opera House scene in Pretty Woman.) At the time, I felt a bit like an outsider in the operatic world, knowing nothing about the stories, technique, or famous singers. That same year, I was introduced to yoga, right when I needed it most. Fast forward to this past year when, as I graduated from grad school and still found myself suffering from deep-seated vocal tension issues and emotional anxiety, yoga reappeared into my life. As I plunged head-first into this new calling, I found a small flickering light of hope at the end of the tunnel. Yet, I still focused my energy, time, and money solely on obtaining a vocal career: no matter what. Like banging my head against a wall, I applied and auditioned time and time again for companies and young artist programs, worried about how much I was spending, my odds of obtaining the job, and how I wasn’t good enough/ tall enough/ pretty enough, etc. This sincere waste of time and energy finally subsided when a dear friend and mentor gave me a wake-up call this Summer. Stop fighting life; See what happens if you just let go for a year: not giving up on your career, but just letting things come as they may. That day, I decided to take a yoga teacher training course during the next year. 2 days later, I found Frog Lotus Yoga Studio. 3 weeks later, I was on a plane bound for Massachusetts for my training. 7 weeks later, I am graduating with my certification. In full disclosure, when signing up for the program I didn’t think I’d teach right away. It was more to find myself, to make a change, to improve my practice, and to decided if I wanted to continue as a singer. The ability to teach was just a nice perk. However; 3 days from graduation, 2 potential yoga teaching jobs have already fallen into my lap. Now, I don’t have the jobs yet, but I haven’t even started looking. I guess that’s just what happens when you stop fighting and start surrendering. I wonder what other changes are in store for me as I return to my voice, my home, and my “real” life. Bring it on.

Why not? August 22, 2011

The amazing Jennifer Yarro, our fearless leader at Frog Lotus Yoga, asked us a question today: “Why not?” Often we tell ourselves why we can’t….. Why we can’t make money; why we can’t lose weight; why we can’t write a book; why we can’t run a marathon; the list goes on and on. Instead, we must ask ourselves “why not?” Why can’t we do the things we want to do? Why can’t we achieve our dreams? Why can’t we teach an hour-long yoga class? Sure, it might not be perfect. Nothing ever is. But, odds are, if you have the tools and motivation to reach your goal, you will get there. Why not?

Don’t worry, be happy August 21, 2011

Tomorrow I teach my first full-hour yoga class. The residence hall is currently full of nervous energy as everyone attempts to lay their mats in a quiet corner and practice their sequences. After only 3 weeks of intensive training, we are now teachers: attempting to create beautiful and beneficial poses for our students, helping them to find their breath, and including bits of everyday wisdom. Most of all, we are just trying not to pass out while teaching! It’s a daunting task, to be sure. While I would normally be panicking, speaking through the sequences constantly in my head and practicing for hours on end, I now find that I am the one trying to calm everyone else down. I ran through my class twice and I called it quits. I probably won’t revisit my notes until I teach tomorrow. Neither run-throughs were perfect by any account, but what good would exhausting myself and worrying incessantly do? A month ago, I would have acted the exact opposite in a frazzled bundle of nervous energy. While preparing for an audition, I always sang through the pieces for hours and hours, attempting to find that perfect performance in the practice room. Needless to say, that perfect performance never came and all I did was work myself up and exhaust my voice… always culminating in an worn-down voice and over-active mind when the audition finally arrived. That’s not exactly how you want to enter an audition, performance, or your first yoga teaching experience.
When the singer Wah! came to perform on Friday night, she told this amazing story about an Indian guru who gave away cards containing the mantra “Don’t worry; Be happy.” Somewhere down the road Bobby McFerrin got ahold of one of these cards and the rest is history. This guru’s message was blasted all over the radio and is now a pop cultural catch-phrase. Many know this song and sing along, but the true challenge is in living this mantra. Don’t worry. Be happy. Life is short. Worrying wastes those precious minutes. So, here goes, for the next month, anytime I find myself worrying, I’ll hum a few bars of this catchy tune, smile, and let it go. I challenge you to do the same.

Wah! Telling us not to worry.

Light energy August 19, 2011

4 years ago, my college friend and roomate, Jessica, brought me to my first yoga class. My constant stress and worry about school brought too much negative energy into the apartment, and she probably just wanted me to stop fretting all of the time. So, there I was, sitting on my borrowed mat at Liberation Yoga in Los Angeles when this beautiful, calm, and soothing voice comes on the stereo system singing and chanting Sanskrit mantras. I had no idea what she was singing about, but I knew then and there that my life was about to change… even if it did take 4 years to come to fruition. After the class, I walked out in a daze as little pieces of anxiety and stress slowly fell away as flakes of snow fall off an iceberg. I turned to Jessica and asked her who sang that beautiful chant at the beginning of class. she turned to me, smiled, and said “Wah!” A week later, Jessica gave me the cd and every time I hear the album, I am transported to first ray of hope I found in my first yoga class. Today, things have come full-circle as Wah! came as a surprise to our yoga teacher training program for a chant workshop and later a community kirtan (basically a chanting party.) We all entered with bated breath, not being sure what to expect. However, when she opened her mouth to lead us in chant, lightly mingling with the moan of her harmonium, we knew that this would be a life-changing experience. This was singing without judgement, without tension, and without fear. This was singing to receive and to give. This was real singing with no attachment to the quality of sound, to the harmonics, or to staying in tune. Yet, amazingly, the natural harmonies arrived, people who never sing suddenly found their voices, and I learned to sing again. As if starting from scratch, my voice was different than ever before. Her crazy vocal, breath, and mental exercises changed everything. As I sat there bathing in the resonance, I felt at peace. I found my voice. After the program, I faced my fears, and went up to this glowing woman, told her I was an opera singer, and thanked her for changing my voice. She instantly hugged me and told me about watching operas in Milan and how she would be in California in September and would love to come see me perform. I said that I didn’t know if I would be performing in September and she just smiled and said that we would go watch one together. I couldn’t believe this international star would want to come see an opera with someone she had never met before. As I gave her my contact information, I was literally glowing with happiness. The beauty of her person truly matches the beauty of her voice.
As I walked out of the studio, in a daze, a lightening bolt struck down just about a mile away from me, filling the once blue but now cloudy sky with a bright light. The instant boom this jolt created was nothing compared to being in the presence of Wah!’s own light energy. I can’t wait for Kirtan tonight. Even more important, I can’t wait to sing again.

The amazing Wah!

Lean on me August 18, 2011

I love these yogis more than anything. These 29 other participants are my soul mates. Though I have only known them for 3 weeks, I feel like they know me, the real me, better than I even know myself. And, somehow, our amazing anatomy instructor Jennilee knew that what we all needed today was a crazy dance party. So, that’s what we did: we danced the fluids of the body. Her creativity as an instructor gives each and every one of us something to aspire to. So there we were, 30 yogis of various ages, running around the room interpretive-dancing blood flow and synovial fluid. We were giddy like little kindergarteners, each having their own unique “dancing” style, yet all working together as part of the whole. Ironically, we were all sweating more than during our daily yoga class. The yogi dance party ended in a big hippie-lovin’ circle as we all belted out “lean on me,” rocking and swaying to the music, feeling the support and love of this amazing network of people. I couldn’t stop smiling… my cheeks still hurt! It felt like graduation day, and we still have over a week left. I love these people. I’m glad I get to lean on them for another week, and perhaps for the rest of my life.

Me and my fellow yogis

Saying goodbye to the vivacious Jennilee